Two stressful days.

Yesterday at work was crazy. I had to field phone calls, which always puts me in a bad mood. Everyone is always angry when they call, because being cordial is no longer in fashion, I guess. Anyway, foul mood yesterday.

Today was worse. I had a much better assignment today; I just stood there and checked to make sure every specimen we got had an order associated with it. If not, I donn't even have to worry about it; I just hand it to the person in the station I had yesterday and it becomes their problem. Normally, I'm pretty satisfied to handle this workload.

The reason today was so freaky was that one of my coworkers was paying way too much attention to me. I mean, it's nice to have a little notice from time to time, but this guy went too far. I turned my back to the rest of the lab for five minutes to work on something, and when I turned back, he had put sticky notes with my name or initials in five or six places around the lab. When I went on break, a Mr. Goodbar was sitting on the table, wrapped in a napkin with my name on it in red ink. And in ordinary conversation, he was just too interested in how I was doing.

It wasn't until the end of the night that I found out he'd been doing all this to try to give me a better day today than yesterday had been. It was, it turns out, really nice of him, but I would've liked to have known why he was doing all this before I spent six hours of my workday wondering if he was going to start stalking me. His heart was in the right place, but his execution... well, it sucked horse balls. And while I do have to work the weekend, he doesn't, so maybe I can relax a little during work. It's slower during the weekend, and most of the people working with me then have a healthy sense of apathy, so hopefully, things will go well.

I'm just praying we don't have to clean up after any tornadoes.

The line is drawn.

My longtime friend/newest archrival, Mike!, has declared war on me. How pitiful. I mean, he's going to stop supporting gay rights? So what? What did he ever do to support gay rights to begin with? I mean, really. The worst effects his lack of support will have are a few people who aren't ranted about passive-aggressively in his blog when they make openly homophobic comments.

Nevertheless, I feel compelled to stoop to his level and return fire. Except I've got the balls to back it up. I'm not only going to keep on supporting gay rights, I'm going to stop supporting straight rights! The worst we have to lose is legally being allowed to have sex (and illegal sex is much hotter anyway). Think of all those rights that straight people have to lose! Fellow queers, throw off your bonds of oppression! Overthrow the corporate oligarchy! Give up the trappings of modern culture which feed the hate machine!

Crap, the trappings of modern culture which feed the hate machine are awesome. Okay, keep them, but join me as we agree never to give Mike! a tasteful haircut or quickly served meal ever again. Haha! This war will reach epic proportions before I'm done!

Ahem.

I came home from work today, and one of my roommates (hereafter, Lezzie Mcguire) gave me this godawful look. Now, as far as I'm aware, I haven't been home since leaving for work this afternoon, so I'm not sure what it is that I'm supposed to have done since then to piss her off, but there it is. Her girlfriend, by the way, will be referred to as Lezzie Borden.

The coworker who is trying to set me up has decided that the perfect first date for me would be dinner at an Italian restaurant, followed by dancing at a local bar. I don't much see it. In response, I decided to tell her that I would be very interested in a girl with a shaved head, tattooes (tattoos? Damn you Dan Quayle!), a British accent, and a black belt. Such a girl would interest me, but she either took it as my ideal girl, or a specific person for her to find for me. Myself, I'm perfectly content to let this sort of thing happen in a more natural manner; meet someone to whom I'm attracted, flirt a little, never ask them out, and die alone.

Maybe I should try it the other way.

Aha!

Less than a minute after my last post, I checked out CNN.com again. First story was about Jesse Sullivan. I am clearly the most powerful blogger in the world.

Free day!

So, we've been having budget troubles at work these days. In a potentially related newspoint, we have been getting busier at work. Your healthcare dollars at work.

Anyway, I got today off of work, and I am now watching Jeopardy! When I was growing up, failure to do well on that show meant less love and food. It's good to reminisce.

I wanted to include a link somewhere in this post to an article about some guy with a robotic arm. Problem is, I can't find the article. It's really cool; the guy has a four-motor arm for home use, and when the scientists who hooked it up to him want to study him, they have a special six-motor arm they switch out with it. It's awesome.

But nowhere on the internet can I find it. I'm fairly certain it was on CNN.com. I heard about it on Scientific American's podcast. Now, it's gone. Vanished. The closest thing I can find is something about monkeys. Monkeys are cool, but they aren't the story I'm looking for. Did I dream it? Did some government agency in charge of cyborgs cover the whole thing up? What the hell is going on? I'm pretty sure I didn't make it up, since I don't tend to make up things with the level of detail of "one arm has four motors, the other has six" or "the six-motor arm contains components from India, China, and Germany". I'm not smart enough. Man, this is going to bug me.

Also, apologies to Mike. (See "Prolific", left.) I left a nasty note on his blog. You should go there and look at it. It really is bitchy.

Da Rules.

A coworker has decided it is her life's work to set me up on a date. Clearly, she has lost her mind. If I were interested in dating for the sake of going out on dates, I would do so. I prefer to think of dating as a way to get to know a specific person (in whom one is already interested) better, so that you can see if a relationship with him/her would be a good idea. My coworker seems to think that interest in a person is an effect of a date, rather than a cause; I am of exactly the opposite opinion.

Nevertheless, I have consented to her scrutiny, to see if she can find a suitable mate for me. However, I feel that a set of ground rules is vital to the process; there are large portions of the population I will not date, and a systematic classification of these people is a good idea. Now, before I get labelled as a bigot... Okay, it may already be too late, but let me get a word in edgewise. I do not have any rules that in any way apply to race, religion, or gender. Can you say that about yourself? Didn't think so. Frankly, I don't care about those three qualities. Other people might. I don't care about that, either. If you don't want to date someone of a particular race, religion, gender, set of races (e.g., anyone who isn't from Indiana), set of religions, set of genders, or any combination thereof, that's your own business. If a person doesn't get you hot because of their political beliefs or chosen profession, I won't tell you that they should.

... I think I was channeling Dan Savage for that last paragraph, except I think he's too good a writer to spew that out.

So, on to the rules:

1. No one in a relationship. I don't care if it's "practically over already", just for show, whatever. If you aren't completely available, just keep walking.

2. No major age discrepancy. I don't put a traditional age limit on potential lovers, but they must be within 10% of my age. I will be 25 soon, and am willing to fudge that number up to "within 3 years", or 22-28. When I'm 80, it will be 8 years, or 72-88 years of age. When I was 10, I wasn't dating much, so it didn't matter.

3. Heavy drug users, convicted felons, and unconvicted felons need not apply. This is the kind of rule that won't eliminate any first-date candidates, but it's a good rule for backing out of established relationships; it's not something I really want in my life.

4. No coworkers allowed. This requires clarification: I work in a lab in a hospital. Not only will I not date anyone in the lab, I won't date anyone in the hospital. I have had people (who work in the lab with me) tell me that people who do not work in the lab aren't really coworkers, because I rarely see them. I say, no dice. If the relationship goes sour, I would rather not have to deal with this person over and over again. Especially since our customers have enough problems; drama among the staff doesn't help anyone.

5. I must be attracted to the person in question. There are plenty of good, solid relationships out there that started out with one or more members not attracted to other members of the relationship. They also started out as friendships. I am perfectly willing to make friends. I am not willing to give friends reason to expect more, if I am not also willing to give more.

6. No assholes. Some people like bad boys. I think most people who like boys like bad boys, actually. So I guess I'm in the minority on this one.

That's all I can think of for now. It occurs to me that very few of these rules (one) come from personal experience. The rest are either good advice I've received, or else things that are so incredibly obvious to me that I am amazed whenever someone suggests I date someone who doesn't fit into these rules. Maybe I'm being picky, but I don't think I'm being too picky; if all I have to look forward to down the road is heartache and misery, I would rather not start up the relationship at all.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
Because I spent too damn much time in law school, I feel compelled to point out that a) adherence to the rules does not automatically qualify a person for being dateworthy, b) failure to follow the rules DOES automatically disqualify a persom from being dateworthy, c) rules are subject to change without notice whenever I feel like it, and d) offers may not apply in Hawaii and Alaska, as those states have too many a's in their names. Alabama is similarly shunned, but not California, as it has many other letters as well. Nevada is out, Arizona is in. Massachusetts is fun to spell, and Canada is not technically a state. Yet.

Science day.

I am fond of podcasts. Especially science podcasts. Today, I spent a good amount of time listening to science-based podcasts. Even now, I am listening to Kojo Nnamdi talk about quantum computing. I have no idea what it's about, but hopefully the show will elucidate the matter. He is currently talking about the entire universe being expressible as a single, gigantic computer; this sounds vaguely familiar.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I think my allergies have been acting up more than usual these past few days. I have pills to remedy the situation, but I don't like to have to use them because they prevent me from being any kind of useful for a solid 12 hours. If they are the only way I can be useful, I find myself in a rather nasty catch-22.

I wonder what a quantum abacus would be like...

Weekend.

Saturday was forgettable. Or at least I assume it was; I forgot what happened then.

Sunday was more fun. I went out to car lots, looking for a new car I can't afford. It turns out, I could afford a fairly nice vehicle, if only I had the money for it. The Chevy Aveo looks like a nice deal, especially if you happen to drive stick. Manual transmission wins again!

Later, I had dinner with Wendy. I found out Denny's has a new drink, which involves Sprite and a cherry shot. It has a horrible name, but is yummy. I am opposed to the name for moral reasons.

I have recently discovered that This American Life is available on iTunes, but unlike other NPR shows, costs money per episode. Fair enough; making content for free is not everyone's bag. And I did end up downloading two episodes; one with David Sedaris, the other with Dan Savage. Dan has some interesting ideas on the nature of sissies. I haven't listened to David's show yet. More to follow as I become better educated.

Slaying the dragon of bureaucracy.

This is the final installment of my current bureacracy diatribe. For that reason alone, celebrations may ensue. I understand everyone has collectively decided to wear green today in honor of my accomplishment; I don't claim to understand it, but I don't claim to understand heterosexuality, either.

On to the traditional recounting of my adventures: this morning, I checked my bank account online. I discovered, to my delight, that my federal tax refund had come in. I immediately hopped on the phone with the collection agency my law school had hired to rake me across the coals, and paid off the remaining amount. That takes care of one of the three flavors of student debt I've racked up during the past five years; it feels good to know that such a thing is possible.

Now, hopefully, the law school will get notice of payment, take the hold off my account, and fire a copy of my transcript over to the school I'm applying to. Then, I'll get into the biomedical sciences program, for which my employer will happily pay, get all the classes I need, graduate in two years without a hitch, get a job where I make money by the hogshead, and get a graduate degree in philosophy, after which I can teach at some community college or other. It's just that simple. Right? Anyone?

Okay, the celebrations may be a bit premature, but if we don't acknowledge the little victories, life quickly becomes unbearable, waiting for that one big score that may never come. Oooh, I'm publishing pedestrian comments on life that aren't borne out by my own experience! I feel like a real blogger now.

Also, I am listening to Men Without Hats. Everyone should. Except you can't get any of their songs on iTunes, last I checked. Huge library, but without them, nothing good. Boo iTunes! Yay Amazon. And eBay is good, too, I guess.

University of PAIN!

I just faxed over a request for my transcript from my law school. When I got home, I had an email from them, asking me to call them about it. I did, and was told that they cannot send out a transcript because of an outstanding fee, and could I please call Accounts Receivable to find out what they can do for me?

Accounts Receivable was less than helpful. They told me that, yes, there is an outstanding balance, and no, there is nothing they can do to help me. Nothing. As far as I could tell, they couldn't even tell me whose account I was calling about, even after I told them. It's not that they're dumb; the problem is that bureaucracy is viral. It is an inescapable disease, one which will decay and eventually kill anyone who comes into contact with it.

My friend (see "Artistic", left) expressed his sympathy by saying that the feeling I get by applying to a university must be the same feeling Ted Kaczynski gets whenever he screws in a lightbulb. Which is funny, because I feel less like the Unabomber, and more like the lightbulb.

I have to imagine this is how murderous dictators get started. Thank God I'm a little bit more patient and less charismatic than your average despot.

Who says bureaucracy is inefficient?

I swung by campus today to drop off my application. The application to go to the school I was at. I feel it is important to emphasize this point, because I want to make clear that I have not yet been accepted, and am not yet a student at this university.

Anyway, I drop off the application, and the required statement of my reasons for pursuing a second degree, and the nice lady behind the counter says, "Great! Now all we need is a transcript from your law school and we can send this right over to the biology department to see if they want to accept you." I have not yet become a student here (again; this is the same place I got my last degree), and already they are badgering me for more forms. They just jump right in, don't they? It's like a free bureaucracy sample, just for thinking of becoming a customer.

I know what you're thinking now. I really do; I'm psychic like that. You're thinking, "What's wrong with a university asking for a complete academic record?" Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "What's right about performance at a law school affecting my ability to get into a biology program?" It simply doesn't make much sense to me. Fortunately, I have talked with the bio advisor, so I don't think my godawful track record at the law school will kill my chances at a second bachelor's.

After I got out of there, I called my old law school, who told me simply to fax over a request for an official transcript. This would be an extremely simple matter, if I had a fully functional fax machine hooked up to a standard phone line. Like most people, I do not. Unlike most people, the missing component here is the phone line. My printer is also a copier, scanner, and (I believe) fax machine, but my roommates are of the opinion that, as long as the average inhabitant of the apartment has 1.667 cell phones, a land line serves no purpose. I would beg to differ, but I'm still a little nervous around them.

So the plan is this: print out the requisite paperwork tomorrow morning, swing by Kinko's, fax the stuff over, and hope and pray that everything sorts itself out. Also, drink; I'm probably going to need it in the coming years.

Credit.

I posted results from an online quiz, but did not mention who showed it to me. Bad form, Peter, bad form.

In other news, my apartment smells of chocolate cake. I think my roommates baked a chocolate cake, but I dare not lift the tin foil that sits atop some unknown thing in the kitchen to find out. They have a real habit of keeping me away from any of their foodstuffs, so I will let it alone. I feel this may be a form of cruelty, but not any form that is recognized legally, so I have no recourse, really. Damn, I'm hungry.

Again.

It's been a little while since I've done one of these, so bear with me:

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Anyway. This morning I got up and had to put on sunglasses to get the mail. It was really nice out, so I left the door to the balcony open. This evening I drove home through snow. Michigan weather is almost as weird as the stuff I encountered in Bonn, where a twenty minute outdoor trip required use of both sunglasses and umbrella, at the very least.

I am hoping to hit Cleveland this weekend; I may have to work the weekend after that. There is, as far as I know, only one thing in Cleveland, but it seems worth seeing. Or maybe it's in Cincinatti. (Is that the same photo as Cleveland?) Or Columbus. Good thing I'm going with a friend who majored in "Being in Ohio". He got a minor in "And not killing everyone while you're there".

The Problem Patient.

I have noticed that every night, there is one patient who turns out to be a problem patient for the lab. To be fair, the patient has done absolutely nothing wrong; it is the staff working with the patient who generate all of the problems. Nevertheless, it seems that, while everybody else in the hospital gets their tests run with few-to-no hitches, this one special patient has a particularly distracted nurse, or a battery of highly unusual tests, or something that generates recurring issues with getting him/her the healthcare he/she deserves. This wouldn't be so bad, except that all of the problems associated with the problem patient are funneled through a single individual in the lab, who must also deal with everyone else's problems, too. It is such a good thing I wasn't that person tonight.

Come to think of it, I haven't been that person in a while... should I be getting nervous?

Just so you know...

My theory is as valid as anyone's.

Oscars?

I am told, by Stephen Colbert, that there were some sort of movie awards held recently. Of course, I am also told that there is a homosexual flightless waterfowl conspiracy. So I'm a bit skeptical. I am told by my boss that Brokeback Mountain did not win best picture, but Crash did. I don't pretend to have watched the Oscars, or Crash for that matter, but I do pretend to understand exactly why this happened: the rich heterosexual male WASPs who own the world feel less guilty about a lack of gay marriage than they do about that whole slavery thing. This is exactly how the world works. I assume.

Also, give sympathy to my friend. I must say, though, I have been through a similar experience. I came home from work one night, only to find that a guest at someone else's party had parked in my spot. So, I had to find another spot somewhere else in the lot, which was quite full, so I had to park in the only available spot: right next to a dumpster. When I got up the next morning, my car was covered in broccoli. I can imagine my car getting egged; most people cannot imagine their car being broccolied. It really sucked. There are still tiny bits of broccoli stuck to my car (from months ago!), as I have not had a sufficient confluence of free time and good weather to get my car washed.

If they made a movie of my life, it would not win an Oscar. Unless they actually let me star in it.

Hanging out.

I spent the evening hanging out with a good friend. We watched Van Helsing, which is just an awful film, but so bad that making fun of it is a good time. On the drive home, I thought about the fact that it is simply a mishmash of other films, with a vampire story thrown over the whole thing like a blanket, and I realized that that might be an actual artistic statement: here's this movie, which has Frankenstein's monster in it, and it's composed of other films in an unholy attempt to bring the whole thing to life, like the monster itself!

It's still crap, but maybe it's justified crap. ... On second thought, no. No, it's not.

Had the day off of work today, and I went over to campus to see if I wanted to get another bachelor's. It turns out, I do; especially since the advisor I went to see, the person whose job it is to have good student relations and thereby obtain moneys for the university, suggested that I get some credit on the cheap at the local community college. If she's willing to tell me to take part of my business elsewhere (not all of it, mind you), then I'm fine with getting into that program. So I will probably get a head start on the degree by taking some basic-level classes at a drastically reduced tuition, probably paying out of my own pocket instead of using up some credit-hours that my employer offers. I figure, if I only get a certain amount of credit hours (12) reimbursed per year, I may as well use them at the more expensive college. But then, I'm slick like that.