Cars, cars.

I have been shopping for a new car lately. Kim beat me to the punch, going so far as to purchase one of the models I'd been looking at. I hope I will get to see it soon. I'm sure it is very pretty. ... Yeah.

Anyway, I'm searching online for quotes, and I've found mixed results. Following is the text from an email one dealer sent me, edited for confidentiality:

Hello James,

This is C------ the internet manager for s--- kia and i wanted to first thank you for you interest in our product. Did you know that kia made the forst festiva way back when, i say that cause i see that you have an old escort to trade. I'ed love you help and i only have 2 base rios left one which one silver- they go really quick this time of year esp. with gas how it is :)!!! Are you going to be financing or paying cash??

Get back to me as soon as you can and let me know what all info i can help with. Ilook forward to meeting you and earning your business. We are right around the corner from you and i am here till 6pm this evening and 10-4 tomorrow. Do you happen to have a little bit of time when you could come look at one??

Let me know

Talk to you soon, thanks a million

C------ S---

This is how they present themselves? This is their sales pitch? I feel that I, as a consumer, deserve better grammar, spelling and diction than this. If this is their standard for how they manage their business, I want them not only to knock several thousands of dollars off their offer, but also to give me that person's job.

This message does not only concern me as a consumer, though. It makes me sad as a member of society to find that our educational system has this to offer. I will admit that I don't know anything about this person or his/her personal situation, but I now know something about the car dealership she works for: they find this to be an acceptable communique, to the point of having given its author actual money for writing it. It's one redeeming feature is that it includes information about the author's working hours, so that I can plan to avoid them, should I decide to look at a Kia.

In a related rant: while this is the most poorly written email I have ever received from anyone not attempting to spam me, it is by no means the only one that was sent to my inbox. I have been at this car shopping thing for a little while, and I've got it narrowed down pretty well to what I want. So I went to some websites, filled out some forms, and was a little frightened by how quickly and voluminously these people will hawk their wares. I received more email in a day of car shopping than I normally do in a week of normal living, and all of these people expected me to come in to take a test drive sometime this week. I think that I will try to come in next week to test drive things, and make a final decision at the end of the month. Based on the email response of these people, though, I think that I may have to drive my car until it dies, and then start walking, rather than enter an environment I cannot escape without screaming and light weaponry.

The rules of blogging.

My archnemesis recently posted some ideas on the rules of how one ought, or ought not, update one's blog. I wondered just how original his idea was.

Commercials bother me. I have seen some commercials on cable television which disparage phone companies for 1: trying to offer cable television, B: starting these offers only in wealthy neighborhoods, and 4: being big greedy meany-heads. My instinctive response was, "OF COURSE they are going to expand their telecommunications empires! Why on earth didn't they think of this sooner? And OF COURSE they are going to introduce this service in affluent areas- where else are they going to find a test market that can afford their damn product?" And I know, OF COURSE the existing cable companies are going to try to prevent competition, but how stupid do they think the American television-viewing public is? Oh, wait, these are the same people who make money off of showing NASCAR. Crap.

I have also figured out Allstate's little scheme: They have two new offers for drivers, which boil down like this: if you get into an accident, your rates don't go up. If you don't get into an accident, your rates go down. What this means for Allstate customers is, everybody gets charged initially as if they are highly dangerous drivers, and if they prove themselves to the company as good customers who don't actually need the one service Allstate offers, they get charged a little less. It's crap. It's all crap. The world hates you, and at least in Michigan, you're trapped; you cannot drive unless you are insured, and you cannot get insured unless you are either an idiot, or patient enough to swallow your pride and pay out premiums for a service that you hope to God you'll never actually need. Universal healthcare insurance has, as far as I know, failed in most experiments; I wonder if universal auto insurance would yield the same results.

One last thought about the Allstate scheme: Two drivers are stopped at a red light, and other drivers stop behind them. One is a little old woman who, other than driving 10 below the speed limit at all times, is a relatively safe person to be around; she runs over small children from time to time, but they are never injured, because she is moving so slowly. The other driver is a psychotic twenty-something hopped up on the drugs and such, who believes that any car that cannot or will not go from 0-60 in 4 seconds in a school zone is a pussy. What happens is, the psycho takes off well before the light turns green, causing the oncoming traffic to slam into the old lady, destroying her car, credit rating, and spinal column. And, because no one will really check my statistics, I can say confidently this situation happens every 17 seconds, somewhere in Missouri. I don't know why it's only in Missouri, but it is a fun state to spell.

Mysogyny?

Everything I know about being paranoid, sneaky, vengeful, and absolutely unreasonable to the point where I'd harm my own interests just to screw someone else I learned from women.

Everything I know about being trusting, honest, a good citizen of the world, helping out whenever possible, and putting my own interests at risk to help someone else just because it's the right thing to do, I learned from a few women, a few men, and my parents- both of them.

Everything I know about everything else, I'm pretty sure I learned on my own.

Back in my life.

So, I had a more exciting Easter than you. I spent the weekend with my parents. On the way back from the other side of the state, my car broke down. Twenty miles from home. With a dying cell phone battery. Life is good.

So I called my parents, all of my friends, and finally, AAA. The most prompt response came from Wendy, followed by AAA. They called a tow truck, which took an hour and a half to find me, grab my car, and drop me off at a Meijer's. Wendy showed up there an hour later, due to a traffic jam. She very kindly picked me up and took me to spend the night at her place, because I had foolishly left my apartment keys with my car key, which I left with the tow truck guy.

I know what you're thinking: Why not ask my roommates to open the door for me? Frankly, they scare me. With good reason. I don't want them to have any moral collateral on me, such as opening a door for my benefit. God only knows how they'd extract their hellish payment. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I don't want to take that chance.

Monday morning, I called the car shop, and got an idea of how it was doing. I guess I pulled over on the highway before any serious damage could be done; it was just a little overheated. Wendy and I went on errands, and swung by the car shop, which had closed for lunch. I wish I could close my business for lunch. I wish I had a business.

So, I went to work that evening, and because I still didn't have my apartment keys, Wendy again played well the roles of chauffeur and innkeep. It's not just anyone who will pick up a friend in need at 2:30 in the morning (late shift at the hospital sucks).

Tuesday morning, Wendy and I again travelled to the car shop, armed with knowledge of their lunchy ways. We managed to get my apartment key, but I left the vehicle in their care, pending more tinkering. I got back into my apartment, and got a nice shower and shave. It was beautiful. Off to work again, then back to home. Sleep.

This morning, I walked up to the bank to loan my parents some of my money. I tried calling them to let them know what a good son I was being, but my cell phone had been disconnected. I am on my mother's plan; reports from my dad (who is also on mom's plan) confirm that we've all been cut off for nonpayment. Guess I should've loaned them the cash earlier. Anyway, I immediately started walking to Wendy's house, then got a better idea and hopped online. My brother was also online, so I IM'ed him and asked him to call Wendy for me. She came over, took me to the car shop, I gave them the rest of my money, and they gave me my car and a warning about its state of being. So now, except for the cell phone thing, life is back to normal. And I am going to bed.

Private to Mike!: I am working on the 28th.

Private to Kim: http://www.godhatesfigs.com/

Angry roommates- approach with caution.

Got back from my friends' place last night. I found the living room rearranged, and the cable box disconnected from the TV. This morning, Lezzie Borden angrily showed me a coax cable, attached to which was a coax plug, which used to be attached to the TV. It turns out, while they were adjusting the furniture, the plug snapped off the set, for which they blame me.

Okay, it seems a little hard to understand from what I've given you, but they actually have a side to the story, and since I'm feeling a little guilty, I will even tell you what it is.

When first we got digital cable, I attemted to install it on my own. I've done this a few times before, each time without incident. What I didn't know, that fateful day, was that the cable and the plug had been fused together somehow. Since my attemts to adjust the cable manually weren't working, I did what any self-respecting primate would do in the situation: I flung my feces at it. Then I used a tool. I was working the cable/plug combo with a pair of pliers when she came home and told me about the whole situation, at which point I abandoned my attempts at electrical repair and let her take over. This incident led the roommate to believe that I was responsible for the mutilation of her television this weekend. I wonder if she'll sue. You may think, "She would sue over that?!" But I assure you, a woman whose first reaction to any perceived slight is a mixture of boundless anger and insatiable vengeance would, in fact, sue. Over a $300 TV. Which could probably be repaired. But not by me. (Thank you, Dave Barry.)

So yeah, they're pretty ticked off at me. On the other hand, I saw the mail and laundry keys for the first time in a week last night, and I won't have to talk to either of them for a while, so really, there isn't much of a downside for me. Being heartless has its advantages. I wonder if the field of accidental evil has tutors?

I need to pay more attention.

I haven't checked on The Onion in about a week. I have been listening to their podcasts, but I've been igonoring the traditional, time-honored art of the printed website. And I know that I haven't checked on them in a week, because they update their "American Voices" thing daily, Monday through Friday. And, if you check on it before next Monday, you'll see what I saw: Waaayyy down at the bottom, on the right, there is a picture of a man. A man whose occupation is listed. His occupation? Phlebotomist.

Oh yeah, baby. We're takin' over. It's just a matter of time.

Roommates of SUCK.

I bought a few books on Amazon. They were delivered today. I know this, not because I am holding them in my hand, but because I saw the mail lady put my Amazon package in the mail lockbox. You know the type; she puts the package in the box, pulls out the key, puts the key in my mailbox, and locks it up. Short version: I need a key to get to my mail.

My roommates lost the mail key. I am really pissed. I want my books. I REALLY want my books.

Addendum.

I lied on the last question of that questionnaire. The post time is obviously set to a time zone that only exists in the middle of the damn ocean. I finished it at 1234 am, Monday, April 3.

Only because Kim demanded it.

Yes Virginia, I really was this bored.
Here is the longest survey you'll ever fill out! Do the world a favor: fill it out and post it for all your friends.... Do this because the person who sent it to you didn't sit here for ages for nothing. Answer all the questions honestly, no lying to avoid stuff.


Time started: 11:38 pm

First name: Yes

Single or Taken: What, this decade?

Sex: See above.

Birthday: 12-jun-1981 (I only had to change 3 things from Kim's.)

Sign: End Work Zone. (People protest the strangest things...)

Siblings: I'm the middle of five.

Eye color: Black, blue, white, red. (Innermost outward)

Hair Color: Depends on who you're asking.

Height: About 1.8 m

Innie or Outie: innie

What are you wearing right now: Black socks with holes in them, cargo pants, Boxer-briefs, a T-shirt with a pocket on the chest, and a sweatshirt

Can you make a dollar in change right now: No. Now stop asking, you moocher!

Favorite...
----------------------------------------

Where is your fav place to shop: Best Buy, although Dave and Barry's is growing on me. (Like the man says, you can't beat $8 pants.)

Color: Green.

Number: 144. It's so gross!

Animals: Naked mole rats. Allergies suck.

Month: May. The weather is just right.

Movies: Mindwalk, and others that bore the snot out of normal people.

Juice: Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew is a juice!

Breakfast: Anything Kim has ever cooked, or will ever cook, for me. Because she's awesome.



Have you ever...
-------------------------------------------------------------

Given anyone a bath: Nope.

Bungee Jumped: If I jump, I'll have a parachute.

Put your tongue on a frozen pole: Has anyone actually ever done that? The only time I've seen the effects of it is when I watched "A Christmas Story".

Broken a bone: Amazingly, no.

Played truth or dare: Yes. Let us never speak of it.

Been in a police car: I'm pretty sure, for a Boy Scouts trip or something.

Come close to dying: More often than I care to count.

Been in a sauna: Yes. Now stop picturing me like that.

Been in a hot tub: Yes, but it was in California, so I think it might just be called a "Tub" there.

Swam in the ocean: Two that I can think of offhand.

Fallen asleep in school: Not since second grade.

Ran away: Not as such.

Broken someone's heart: I may have, but I don't keep up with exes.

Cried when someone died: Never had anyone die on me; don't really look forward to it.

Fell off your chair: When I fell asleep in school.

Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Who would call?

Saved AIM conversations: Yes, but it was business-related. Do I get a tax credit for that?

Saved e-mails: Quite a few, and none of my accounts is even close to full.

Fallen for one of your best friends? Seems like too much bother to me.

Made out with JUST a friend? Yeah. But in my defense, I was drunk... shortly afterward.

Used someone: We were using each other.

Been cheated on: If I were the cheatin' kind, I'd cheat on me. So probably.

What is...
----------------------------------------------------------------

Your good luck charm: My lucky Guinness Widget. It took me hours to figure out how to get that damn thing out of the bottle!

What is beside you? 25 pounds of cat. Not, incidentally, the most cat I've ever had next to me.

Last thing you ate/drank: Spicy chicken sandwich with fries and coffee from Steak & Shake.

Best thing that has happened to you this year: Hanging out with Mike and Kim.

Worst thing that has happened to you this year: Got threatened by one of my roommates.


Have you had...
----------------------------------------

Chicken pox: Yes.

Sore Throat: Every morning.

Surgery: Me? No. Seen someone else in surgery? ... No.

Stitches: I was never good at sewing.

Broken nose: Isn't there a bone in there? I mean, it's easy to make the world's longest survey if you don't mind redundant questions, but that's kind of a hollow victory.


Do you...
-----------------------------------------------------

Believe in love at first sight: Only because of Mike and Kim.

Like picnics: I love them! If they're on a table. With a trashcan nearby. Indoors.

Like school: I must; I keep going back. Is there such a thing as academic masochism?

What schools have you gone to: Starting in high school: International Academy, Oakland Community College, Western Michigan University, Kalamazoo Valley Community College, and Wayne State Law School. I hate ordering transcripts.

Would you eat a live hamster for $1,000,000: No, but oddly enough, I'm not opposed to hamster meat. I guess I just don't want to do the killing, though I'm fine with profiting off of someone else's kill.

If you were stuck on an island, what person would you want with you? Marlon Brando. His flesh would feed me for months, and he's already so heavily salt-laden that he's very well preserved!

Who was the last person that called you: My mother. I actually had to take out my phone and look at its call history to find that out.

Who was the last person you slow danced with? I honestly don't remember the last time I slow danced.

What makes you laugh the most? Dave Barry.

What makes you smile? Pleasant enough weather. Not too nice, just pleasant enough.


Last person...
------------------------------------------------------

You loved - Have I ever? Scratch that; I love Mike and Kim. But not in that way.

You yelled at? I don't really yell at people. At least, not when I think they can hear me.

Who last told you they loved you: Kim. I mean, Mom said she did, but I don't think she meant it.

Who is your loudest friend: Wade, I think.

Who you kissed: Refer back to "Made out with JUST a friend."


Do you/Are You...
------------------------------------------------------------

Do you like filling these out? I'm still here, ain't I?

Do you wear contacts or glasses? I wear sunglasses a lot.

Do you like yourself? Why? What's wrong with me? What's your problem, anyway?

Do you get along w/ your family: Quite a bit better, now that they live hundreds of miles away.

Stolen anything over $50: I'm pretty sure I've never stolen anything over $0.50.

Obsessive? I don't have the attention span.

Compulsive? At work, sometimes, but work will do that to anyone.

Anorexic? I'm just not hungry.


Final questions
-----------------------------------------------------------

What are you listening to right now? The rain falling outside the window (a thunderstorm started while I was filling this out), two cats hissing. Well, one's hissing because he's pissed, the other's wheezing because... hell I don't know. She's a wheezer.

What did you do yesterday: Worked.

Hated someone in your family: Only one? For how long?

Got any awards: I'm almost certain...

Where do you want to get married: On Earth. By the time it happens, that'll be considered quaint and traditional.

If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? My stupid flesh-sack body. I am all about cyborgs!

Good Singer? I've met several...

How many remote controls are in your house: I can think of 6 offhand.

Are you double jointed? No, but if you're interested, my jaw unhinges...

Last time you took a bath: I'm a shower kind of guy.

Scary or happy movies: Happy. If a scary movie is good, it makes you sorry you watched it, and if it's bad, same thing.

Black or white: I told you, green! Are you not paying attention? I want to speak to your supervisor!

Root Beer or Dr.Pepper: Beer. Yes, I saw the word "Root"; I just don't care.

Vanilla or chocolate: Candy bar or pudding?

Skiing or Boarding: If I have to tell you "Green" one more time....

Summer or winter: Spring or Fall.

Silver or gold: Hell, if I make the bronze, it'll be a shock. I don't even know when the next Olympics are.

Diamond or pearl: Pearls go down smoother. A diamond just rips up your organs.

Sunset or Sunrise: Sunrise. If I ever see one again. Second shift sucks.

Sprite or 7up?: Okay, fine. ROOT beer. Happy now?

Cats or dogs: either if they're well-shaved.

Coffee or tea: Or? What do you mean "or"?

Phone or in person: In person. Talking faceless dumbbells weird me out.

Are you the oldest, middle , or youngest child: I'm the middle of the middle. I'm doubly unimportant.

Indoor or outdoor: Indoor, with the door closed and the lights off, baby.

Three things that scare you:
1. My roommates sometimes.
2. the movie "The Ring", especially when I'm drunk.
3. the idea that a person can get away with so damn much just by being President.

Three of your everyday essentials
1. Palm Pilot
2. iPod
3. Wallet

Three things you are wearing right now
1. Seriously, is there an authority I can report you to or something?
2. I mean, you aren't going to trick me with your stupid, redundant question.
3. Socks. Damnit!

three things you need in a relationship
1. love (stolen from Kim.)
2. respect/equality (Also stolen from Kim.)
3. Attraction. (My own addition; makes you wonder what Mike looks like, huh?)

Two truths and a lie in no order
1. i masturbate twice a day.
2. i masturbate once a day.
3. i never masturbate.

(Yes, I did follow the rules.)

Three PHYSICAL things about the opposite sex that appeal to you
1. Eyes.
2. Boobs.
3. A six-pack. Now, why is it that you only ask about the opposite sex, you homophobic git?

Three of your favourite hobbies
1. Reading
2. playing musical instruments
3. sleeping

Three things you want to do really badly RIGHT NOW
1. drink.
2. sleep
3. stop my eyes from itching. Stupid excess cats!

Three places you want to go
1. Bonn, Germany
2. Tokyo, Japan
3. Chicago, America.

(Return trips, all)

Three things you want to do before you die
1. Have another beer.
2. get a few more degrees.
3. cure the world of stupid.

Three things that annoy you
1. when i'm wrong and mike's right (yeah, I'm sticking with Kim's answer.)
2. Nurses who cannot order lab tests to save their lives. Or more pertinently, their PATIENTS lives.
3. Redundant questionaires. Hint, hint.

People I would like to see take this quiz--
Eddie Izzard. Man, that guy's hilarious!

Time you finished this: Check out the time this post was put up.

Tabby's influence.

It seems like every time I read Tabby's blog, I am compelled to answer questions asked by people I've never met. Here is some more info in that vein.

How does the world see me?
Track 81: Al Franken: The Truth (With Jokes)

Will I have a happy life?
Hey Mr. DJ, I thought you said we had a deal (They Might Be Giants)

What do my friends think of me?
Track 77: AF: T(WJ)

How can I make myself happy?
The Cheat Theme Song

What should I do with my life?
Allegro Maestoso (Dvorak, Chamber Music)

Will I ever have children?
32 Footsteps (TMBG)

What is some good advice for me?
Strongbadia National Anthem

How will I be remembered?
Track 84: AF: T(WJ)

What is my signature dancing song?
Special (Avenue Q)

What is my current theme song?
Minimum Wage (TMBG)

What song will play at my funeral?
Mushroom Hunting (Yoko Kanno, BLUE)

What type of men/women do you like?
Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime (Yann Tierson, Amelie Soundtrack)

What is your day going to be like?
Es Warb Ein Shoener Juengling


It is interesting to me that my outward appearance seems entirely based on generic Al Franken tracks. That might just be statistics, though; I have one Al Franken audiobook, which is broken up into 8 CDs, which are collectively broken up into 792 tracks of 45 seconds or less. So half of the 1600 tracks on my iPod are just that one book. And I'm nowhere near making a serious dent in its memory. God I love this thing.

New cat.

I came home from work today, and as I was getting out of my car to go into the apartment, my roommates were getting into their car to leave. They informed me that there is another cat around the apartment, which they adopted to prevent it from being put down.

Now, my roommates have done quite a few things without asking me that affect the whole apartment. They won't let me move my furniture into the living room, they keep the energy bill absolutely secret, there is "no room" for my flatware and dishes, etc. This is the first time that they've done something in that category that I not only don't mind, but actually approve of. I'm really cool with the idea of a second cat around here, no matter what it may do to my allergies. The first cat seems to feel differently; he has perched on his kitty tower (yes, they bought him a kitty tower) and hisses at the new cat whenever she moves or looks at him. I can't really blame him, though; I've done the same thing to girls, myself.