Da Rules.

A coworker has decided it is her life's work to set me up on a date. Clearly, she has lost her mind. If I were interested in dating for the sake of going out on dates, I would do so. I prefer to think of dating as a way to get to know a specific person (in whom one is already interested) better, so that you can see if a relationship with him/her would be a good idea. My coworker seems to think that interest in a person is an effect of a date, rather than a cause; I am of exactly the opposite opinion.

Nevertheless, I have consented to her scrutiny, to see if she can find a suitable mate for me. However, I feel that a set of ground rules is vital to the process; there are large portions of the population I will not date, and a systematic classification of these people is a good idea. Now, before I get labelled as a bigot... Okay, it may already be too late, but let me get a word in edgewise. I do not have any rules that in any way apply to race, religion, or gender. Can you say that about yourself? Didn't think so. Frankly, I don't care about those three qualities. Other people might. I don't care about that, either. If you don't want to date someone of a particular race, religion, gender, set of races (e.g., anyone who isn't from Indiana), set of religions, set of genders, or any combination thereof, that's your own business. If a person doesn't get you hot because of their political beliefs or chosen profession, I won't tell you that they should.

... I think I was channeling Dan Savage for that last paragraph, except I think he's too good a writer to spew that out.

So, on to the rules:

1. No one in a relationship. I don't care if it's "practically over already", just for show, whatever. If you aren't completely available, just keep walking.

2. No major age discrepancy. I don't put a traditional age limit on potential lovers, but they must be within 10% of my age. I will be 25 soon, and am willing to fudge that number up to "within 3 years", or 22-28. When I'm 80, it will be 8 years, or 72-88 years of age. When I was 10, I wasn't dating much, so it didn't matter.

3. Heavy drug users, convicted felons, and unconvicted felons need not apply. This is the kind of rule that won't eliminate any first-date candidates, but it's a good rule for backing out of established relationships; it's not something I really want in my life.

4. No coworkers allowed. This requires clarification: I work in a lab in a hospital. Not only will I not date anyone in the lab, I won't date anyone in the hospital. I have had people (who work in the lab with me) tell me that people who do not work in the lab aren't really coworkers, because I rarely see them. I say, no dice. If the relationship goes sour, I would rather not have to deal with this person over and over again. Especially since our customers have enough problems; drama among the staff doesn't help anyone.

5. I must be attracted to the person in question. There are plenty of good, solid relationships out there that started out with one or more members not attracted to other members of the relationship. They also started out as friendships. I am perfectly willing to make friends. I am not willing to give friends reason to expect more, if I am not also willing to give more.

6. No assholes. Some people like bad boys. I think most people who like boys like bad boys, actually. So I guess I'm in the minority on this one.

That's all I can think of for now. It occurs to me that very few of these rules (one) come from personal experience. The rest are either good advice I've received, or else things that are so incredibly obvious to me that I am amazed whenever someone suggests I date someone who doesn't fit into these rules. Maybe I'm being picky, but I don't think I'm being too picky; if all I have to look forward to down the road is heartache and misery, I would rather not start up the relationship at all.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
Because I spent too damn much time in law school, I feel compelled to point out that a) adherence to the rules does not automatically qualify a person for being dateworthy, b) failure to follow the rules DOES automatically disqualify a persom from being dateworthy, c) rules are subject to change without notice whenever I feel like it, and d) offers may not apply in Hawaii and Alaska, as those states have too many a's in their names. Alabama is similarly shunned, but not California, as it has many other letters as well. Nevada is out, Arizona is in. Massachusetts is fun to spell, and Canada is not technically a state. Yet.